But seriously...

This is completely unrelated to anything jewelry, but I needed to let off some steam..

With the death of my aunt (who was like a 2nd mother to me) its given me some time to reflect over some things. I've come to the realization that I don't really feel comfortable talking about my feelings to anyone (sometimes even Jimmy) out of some kind of fear of rejection. I think that over the years, I've just been so terribly hurt and backstabbed against, that I just put up this wall of fallacies and got used to it. There are very few people who truly know who I am and I doubt that that number will increase very much in the future. It takes a lot for me to open up (even though many will probably say I'm a narcissistic bastard) and truly express what I'm feeling. Most of the time its because I just don't know how to say it. I don't want to come across as weak or whiny because let's face it, there are a lot of people who just don't give a shit about other people's feelings and they'll try to "tell it like it is." I'm not like that because I wouldn't want someone talking like that to me. I've come to the realization that I really have a hard time dealing with people who are either a) narcissistic and so blind to other people's feelings that you couldn't imagine talking to them anyway or b) are so self-centered that they'll just say whatever the hell they feel like with no regard to other people's feelings.

Needless to say, I try to keep people like that out of my life if I can help it. Most people "in my life" don't even realize what a struggle it has been these last 3 years and sometimes the frustration just gets too much to bear. So when I see people posting complaints about losing a job FOR THE FIRST TIME or going on WIC or applying for Welfare all FOR THE FIRST TIME, i have a really hard time being sympathetic when Jimmy and I have been nearly homeless twice, applied for welfare and WIC in two different states at two different times and Jimmy and I have both lost our jobs a total of 5 times in three years. I guess I should be more understanding, but when I hear people saying "it couldn't get much worse" after losing a job but still collecting disability and still having a roof over their head and enough money to go to a concert, the museum, the zoo, etc, its frustrating. Try going 2 months without any income, no food in the fridge and you have to depend on a grocery gift card once a week. Try losing your job 3 times in less than 2 years. Try all of that with a spouse, a baby and another baby on the way. We've given up all of the "fun" things we used to do and we still don't have enough money. Of course I want to get my kids' photos taken in a photo studio but we need money to eat. I need gas money to get to school. I used to drive 3 hours a day just to get to a job that barely paid enough to cover gas let alone food and rent and utilities.

We have had our electricity turned off, a car reposessed and we've had to pawn almost all of our valuables at crap prices because we needed just enough gas money to get home. Granted, a lot of people probably have it a lot worse. But that's not to say our life hasn't been hard either. We just don't bitch and moan about it day in and day out. We try to do something about it and we try to stay positive. We don't act like the money's still there and go do whatever the hell comes to our mind. We find money to feed the kids and pay the bills and if there's still a little bit left at the end of the week we treat ourselves to a hamburger. I've been paying my dues since I was 18, but a lot of people don't know that either. I've done everything from pick up dog shit at Petsmart to be an interior designer's bitch in stiletto heels. My life has been far from glamorous. I used to rent a room out of an old Filipino guy's house because I had nowhere else to go. My life has not been easy and frankly, its a lot for me to bear by myself. So, if I act like a bitch or I "don't want to talk about it," understand that its because I've gotten used to not talking about it to anyone.